breathe each breath live each moment
let no cards kept yet be folded
live till death its your life own it
kill regret always better for it

step step step

through worlds of change

the streets full of doubters

the skies are gray

burn burn burn

the institutions of age

the altars are torn down

our fathers unobeyed

dig dig dig

ditches and graves

foundations for our dreams

asylum for mistakes

careful what you wish for, most dreams are built on sand
careful what you wish for, with that fruit in your hand
careful what you wish for, you were depraved from the start
careful what you wish for, knowledge will break your heart
careful what you wish for, when your death is guaranteed
careful what you wish for, when you dont know what you need

war is worse than dead bodies, eventhough that is a good enough arguement against it.
war is the adminition that we can't just get along.
war is the breeding ground of hate.
war is the curse of sin.
war is the blasphemy of man in his unwarranted distribution of his own depraved condemnation.

any war fought with weapons fought to bring peace by death will most often lead to more war and death before peace is found.

show me a man that deserves to die.

tell me the reason i have not yet perished.

this world belongs to no man. God is the only true judge.

show me a just cause for war and i will take up the sword and fight
until then i seek peace and to love as he loved

just a sad song

my tears do not say enough
my tears offer you no love
my tears fall short

my heart's stops; overcome
by the things i havent done
i was meant for more

i just want to show you that i care
but its hard when i cant be there
so i guess i am sorry that i cant be sorry enough for you
and i dont know what else there is that i can do

but if you could see these eyes
heart my heart
you'd realize
i'm torn apart
for you

i just want to show you that i care
but its hard when i cant be there
so i guess i am sorry that i cant be sorry enough for you
and i dont know what else there is that i can do

Jesus Jesus
how real you are in my life i cant help but find you.

but what about in theirs?
are you really that strong?
really that caring?

these problems are huge
none of deserve it
how do you choose?

you are so beyond me
so beyond me...

sometimes i dont want to need you
sometimes i find it hard to believe you

find it hard to pray when you already know what i am gonna say
find hard to repent
hard to worship

bring the rain flood down again

words fall short of ears when the voice is hard to hear
but more often they fail when they come from contradictory lips

you word is not all you have
but it is definately worth protecting

the people that hear you most often can tell you whether or not you are worth listening to.
they can tell you if your trustworthy.

the people who you want to affect and bless are listening to what you are saying.
so let your yes be yes and let your no be careful but firm

recognition of the past
withered like the grass
the life that could not last
the facts that came to pass

resurrected in their fate
into a world of pain
life given much to late
death shows all thats vain

the death of the west

in america, we live lives as sojourning slaves to death

it has become our greatest fear and our greatest threat

we grasp with desperate knuckles of persisting white

at this wilting flower that is carelessly called life

and then when at last our human hold proves too weak

we send our corpses down in glossy cases six feet deep

and if today I choose to laugh in death's calloused face

then these untimely timid men would label me insane

but I do not fret at their feeble words of spoken insolence

rather I am enraged that my generation's blind in ignorance  

some secrets that are death to know
can still steal hearts in curious lust
hearts that mistake the reapers curse
as yesterday's mislabeled woe

dont ask me to reveal the truth
for surely if i did
you'd see me as the setting sun
trying to rob you of your youth

but i beseech you from your soul to yearn
for the light shinning beyond the sky
for the hope that rest in a calm cocoon
and the force in lessons you dont want to learn

if i cannot to the world supply
something greater than that which is I
then I am just a fools mistake
and I steal every breath of air i take

and if its true of my sons
that they forget themselves when they are young
then the blame falls to me
and i have lived my life wastefully

so many lessons i dont want to learn

amidst love that i dont deserve

in each sunrise new embers burn  

so much beauty i dont observe 

my mind keeps making new designs

of ways to truly be alive

while they say, "focus on the signs

or else you will not survive"

but there are some things i cannot fake

some memories that do not fade

some changes have been hard take

some mistakes i'm glad i made

if i'm supposed to know what love is in this world of brokeness
then my road is much more hopeless than I had originally feared
for, the one thing in this world i know is your smile grows beneath your tears

the measure of grace that i've been given has come in blessings from above
with the flesh of the human race forsaken, some in His image have begun to love

so i keep my eyes connected to my heart my mind
and i allow Him to help me to find
love
life

my reflection in the wishing well

holds many secrets it will not tell

but i do worry 

for the sun tells me i'm handsome with it's golden rays

and the road says i have wisdom for wandering his maze 

and the mountain set before me knows i'm good enough

to climb the peaks its holding and touch the sky above

i can here the future of your feet dragging in the dirt

followed by flying dust on a pitiful path you cant desert

it is a truly scary sound i with i didnt have to hear

because with each scraping step the noise keeps coming near

and i cant run from my ears

or catch yesterdays tears

or stop the passing of the years

but i can persist to pick up my feet and face my fears.

goodbye chi-city

see you when i get back

Uganda

so i am taking this idea from Johnny Wong so props to him.

This will be my update site for my trip.

I will be posting updates about my ministry work, prayer requests, updates about my group.

Some prayer requests before the trip

pray that God would prepare our hearts and minds as we go

pray for travel and for luggage

pray for health as we are jet lagged and transition to new food

pray that God would use us to serve

details of trip

we fly out from O'hare at 7:15 Monday night May 18th

our finaly destination will be Kampala, Uganda.

i will be serving at kampala baptist church.

cheers

here's to today to what you've been waiting for
and to your smiles as you walk across that floor

here's to the tears we will cry at your parting
to painful reminders that new pages are starting

here's to our watches that let us know we're getting older
and to the summer air that always makes us a little bolder

here's is to all the best friends who know us and still love us
to all those times they stood up to the bullies out to shove us

here's to all the things we've learned from all our education
to all the things that life's taught through painful situations

here's to tomorrow and life's bitter sweet progession
to our painful fight against our own ignorant obsessions

here's to the promise of a morning and a sunrise
and to the sunset as we watch how fast time flies

we all get tired

you hide suggestions in all of your questions
but i cant trust all your good intentions
when you keep coming up with new inventions
to entrapped me in the things you want me to be

you are always careful to premise and disclaim
everything you say before you cast the blame
and yes i know two could play that game
but i am not as cunning at this hiding and runnning

What a humbling feeling being hurt by some one who you thought was out of your life.

To be misunderstood by the person you spent most of your time helping understand. 

What a miserable thing to stare at the clock and calculate the time that your have wasted. 

The vanity of human life is that we get one chance to live. 

It is that every mistake is frozen in our history.

It does not always seem worth it to learn such hard lessons through pain and loneliness. 

But that is not up to me. I am just a fragile man.

the audacity of me

if you want to see the reality of the fall
to see the most depraved creature of them all
then just have to ask the mirror on the wall

thats is what i did and now i can see
that the real height of this world's depravity
was behind my eyes staring back at me

Lord i'm sorry there is nothing i can do
i'm afraid its a broken heart that you pursue
could you really take me as a gift to you?

ROSE part 1

you are the flower that i saw dancing in my dreams

lightly, beneath a golden sun, swiftly in a sea of green

and i thought that if i woke, i'd be there to dance with you

but my opened eyes saw only a cold city where no flowers grew

i searched desperately for meadows finding only empty streets

fore, i could only find you when you were dancing in my dreams 

a prayer for the children invisiblechildren.com

Lord, hear children crying, how long will you wait?
how much more will it take for your heart to break?
i know Your timing is perfect but the hour is late?
is it not enough that they get kidnapped and killed?
how much more blood will you allow to be spilled?
how many more graves will you allow to be filled?
Lord, these are your children let your blessing fall on them again
merciful powerful loving God, i fear not the acts of men
but still i ask when even now here their cry from the lions den

stage 5 acceptance

today the sky is like my grandma's hair 

and i sense that there is wisdom hidden in the air

and white flowers are blooming on the trees

just as memories of you return so bright to me

but the rain falling today is not that of tears

rather it is the redemptive cleansing of my fears

and eventhough i don't know where this sidewalk will lead

i am content to walk, following this path in front of me

rescue reflection

i look up to the light and get

blinded by the sun

i stood up for the fight and got

murdered by a gun

so i guess this must be life so quickly it is done

and while much is lost in strife hopefully more is won

Phrases people use a lot that bug me

"if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all"

(no, you better find something nice to say)

"life goes on"

(thanks so much for telling me that the world is not affected by my problems)

"that's just the way it is"

(when has that ever proven to be true over time?)

"beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

and

"looks can be deceiving"

(looks like the beholder can trust himself)

"its a small world" 

(if you think that then you need to get out more)

"American bows to no one"

(i cant figure out why the world hates us when we are so culturally considerate) <-- sarcastic

"hip-hop's dead"

(no, you just need to retire)

sorry for this pessimistic post i just need to get that out there. have a great day. 

life is a journey (what a cliche')

this is my resolve amidst this problem to hard to solve
that all my thoughts cease to revolve around the contentment of egypt
and eventhough we have such a long way to go
till we reach jericho its a quest that i am willing to accept
we left the security of graves and the care-free life of slaves
watched our enemies die in the waves so i think its time to say goodbye
so i'll make the wilderness my friend and hope in time He'll mend
all the loneliness that this path will send and as I follow the pillar in the sky

I thank God for the waves

heart beating fast sweat fills his pours

any notion of slowing he ignores

too busy to be tired to young to be exhausted

if he had any concept of time, he had lost it

his sandy fingers work hard to match what's on his mind

with sand and shells and seaweed whatever he can find

he smiles briefly in satisfaction before continuing again

a castle with high walls encircling a cozy den

he gazes back behind him inquisitive with worry

and turns back again reminded of his need to hurry

the walls are built up higher then reinforced beneath 

the grainy town has become the wonder of the beach

water grazes his feet and he shivers in shocked reaction

it makes a silent visit to the tower followed by a polite retraction 

anticipating more to come brings him bitter sweet emotions

he looks back again this time he seems to challenge the ocean

his work has slowed with a focus now put on calculated fortification

his eyes get soft as he gets lost in the scenarios of his imagination

a shiver shoots up his leg all the way to his back

he looks down to sea the water returning to attack

this time the charge stretches to reach around the tower

it removes much of the base with its strong pulling power

it retreats back quickly taking its captives to their dark prison

but in its place another wave to attack has already risen

this one falls short but its warning is heard

and on its way back it gets overlapped by a third

frantically working to repair the damage of the first

fear takes his eyes as he expects the worst

but the third waves comes and knocks him off his feat

and what was a great castle is left a lowly mound of defeat

and so he begins to work again this time he wont fail

he lives his life in vain always working to no avail  

it was a crazy day today

there was a man with a moon for a heart
some nights it was full and other nights just a part
the light that it gave prevailed against the night
shining not in warmth but standing steady and bright
hard to escape, even harder to reach, always high above
so i wonder...
is a man with a heart like that capable of love

Psalm 63 reflections

in this wilderness i will find rest.

for i have made it my sanctuary to be with You.

Your love is better than anything i have, or anything i am, or anything i could be.

i cannot help but praise you for you have been my sheild, my light, my joy, and my redemption. Your praises are the only things worth saying,

Your glory is the only thing worth seeing,

Your salvation is the only thing worth hoping for.

waiting for the spring

autumn comes to a tree and it responds so colorfully 

but let a month or two go by and the winter robs it completely dry

and as the leaves take freedoms flight they hit the ground and lose their light

and life is left in brown and gray so dont ask me to go out and play 

cause i am waiting for the spring

all the trees on the street are completely bare and i scratch my head and find snow in my hair

and as pretty as it looks floating down it all looks like slush when it hits the ground

every is scowling in the cold they all used to make snowmen but now they are too old

and they look colder and colder everyday so dont ask them to come out to play 

because they're all fine being grumpy today

and there is no fun in this land of gray

when all the birds fly south and rabbits hide away

there are so many things i have to say 

but i think i'll save them for a warmer day

cause i am still waiting for the spring

we're all just praying for the spring

memory lane 

i visit in vain

glad to be back 

but nothing's the same

and while there is new life

it gets dampened by the rain

memories of smiles 

flashbacks of pain

walking alone on

memory lane 

orchid window, honest Abe, and others

new camera (rainy monday on dearborn)

RIP

"rest in peace" i say hardly whispering
to all the graves holding buried things
"don't stir today because i know your dead
don't wake from the place of your resting head
i was there when you died on that winter day
and i put there myself so, 'Rest In Peace!'" i say

all of my memories keep imploring me
to stop these zombies from ignoring me
"how can you bother me today?
so long after you past away."
and allusions of death like autumn leaves
are brought back to life on april trees

history, are you changing me?

sometimes i wonder what would be different if i could change

sometimes i imagine what would have happened if i would have known

what i know about the world when i met you 

would i have been less afraid or maybe less vain

would the choices that i made still be the same...

or am i wiser because of all the lessons i learned along the way

i sit and wonder if all my mistakes make me a better man today

i cannot say that they did

but i know today i'm still a kid

and to those who met me in the past 

to those memories that fade so fast 

let me say this at last...

i'm so sorry

dreams

at night my dreams show me dangerous things
things to real to happen when i am awake
things that haunt me, utterly
and so i lock myself up behind my covers
breathing heavily
heavily to drowned out my dreams
dreams of dancing singing, of fascinating things
but my covers betray me
they let the dreams come in
the heaviness of my breath is no match for them
in this land of dreams i am powerless
and that reality is much to real for me

7 things a man should learn before he dies

1. truth is not always what is seen by human eyes

2. life is short and often it is wasted

3. there are bitter fruits better left untasted

4. no man is an island, but the mind can be a cage

5. men are often slaves to addiction, men of every age

6. instincts are often selfish; the heart is born vain

7. to live is Christ to die is gain

04/08/09

my mind paints vast deceptions on the canvas of my memory

counterfeit colors made from humanities cursed emotions flow throughout  

so i wont look back; i will refrain from love

until my heart has been more divinely inspired to grasp such a thing

until my heart experiences the beautiful colors of truth

Trust

Will you be there for me 

or will you get scared 

eventually

will you be there tomorrow

or will you get scared 

please let me know 

because... 

i dont want to spend my time with you 

if you just gonna leave

And i want to believe that what you said is true 

but thats hard for me 

here is a song dedicated to 8th grade

i wont go the jungle gym and play

on the swings with you today

cause all my really cool friends told me that was gay

and i always listen to everything that they say 

chorus

all my friends are really co---ol 

so its okay if i'm a to---ol

cause we were to good for this scho---ol

but maybe some day we can be friends 

its not my fault that you are last pick 

when you are uncoordinated and not that quick

but maybe next year when things aren't same

then i wont have to call you lame

then you can join in the game, but not today

so mom when i'm with my homies 

please dont act like you know me 

in highschool we'll all grow go tees 

and go to of the cool pool parties 

bridge

we all play sports in our athletic shorts

could there really be any more to life i mean besides the future kids and wife 

don't ask us what we want to be when we get older 

cause all we'll do is shrug our shoulders

cause He first love me.

If there is one thing that i have learned as I have grown up, it is that people do not understand love. They mislabel love and falsly accuse love of many things
Love does not hurt people, or fool people. 
No, pain comes in the absence of love.

Pain comes in ignorance of love. 

Love is definate and clear.
People do not fall in and out of love.
Love is not a process or a phase.
Love is not merely committment, or a verb, or a "heart thing"
Loving is more that a relational value or a character trait. 
Love is more than a life style.
Withheld love is more than indifference, more than cruelty.
Withheld love is more than betrayal, treason, murder.
Withheld love is blaspemy. 
No one escapes or is free of love.
No one alive is an adequate lover or a deserving lover.
My sinful heart cannot handle love.
It cannot understand it; cannot truly achieve it, or truly recieve it
My brain cannot concieve it. 
So my heart will continue in its search and devour all that smells of love.
Sometimes tasting the bitter depraved decpetions of love that this world has made,
But always remembering the satisfaction of His love.
His love that has made my hope invincible. 
My love is all i have to give so I seek to make true, seek to worship
To make it faithful, loyal. 
To make my love His joy, and His joy to be my strength to love more.
His love is my blessing that the world needs. 
A love that is deliverance; healing; illuminating; power; unifying; dividing; eternal; sacrificial; real;
and here... now

regret

i thought my past was over, that it had come to an end
but my memory won't allow that, he's much to cruel a friend
so i walk on yesterdays path, with yesterdays dreams now gone
it is much lonelier now than it was then, just me and this gray dawn

frustrated with myself

let go and let God is probably my least favorite phrase ever. 

thanks for the patience and humility lesson God

freestyle

there is not much i can explain
from the lessons i've learned in this life of pain
evenso i think thats its not in vain
that i'm not the same
that somehow what i became
it better than i was on that day
when i turned to walk away
but how do i know when the mirror hasnt changed
my hands still stained
heart still drained
so i'm not tryin to reignite that flame
all the same
i call your name
to make way for a day
where my sins will pass away
when i always mean what i say
when we will both be okay
so i pray

disclaimer for my thoughts

i am sorry to people who do read these pathetic childish hallmark reflections on life, but this is what i have diminished my thought process to recently. cheesy emo-song sounding lines that rhyme in a to well almost forced way. no more disclaimers.

i finally saw what i had become
a jealous soul with a loaded gun
i never thought i'd hate everyone
i got scared so i had to run
and they say whats done is done
and we end up on opposite sides of the sun
another sorry finish to what i had begun

I am very consistent in my humanity. In my ability to fear, to fail, to facilitate to my feelings...

I regularly repeat mistakes under the premise that somehow my flesh is less natural than your and therefore not subject to such things as infatuation, loneliness, pain, emptiness, insecurity...

And my simplistic "sorry" is insufficient in silencing the symphony of strife and sadness and disunity that result from my destructive decisions...

What would i change if I had the chance?

An inquisition i am challenged by because i acknowledge my inability to become better to make myself more moldable to correct my condition to live life any differently to separate myself from the me tainted by humanity

why i come home

on a day like today i dont want to know what it feels like to be alone

on a day like today i dont want the strength to stand

on a day like today i dont want to be a man

on a day like today i dont want to understand

on a day like today i dont need to know i can

on a day like today i just want to be home

age

I feel like an old man today

all my strength has gone away

my glory came on a different day

no one is left to come out to play

dont know how much longer i can stay

dont know what more i could say

just a foolish boy behind this worried gray

yann tiersen

comptine d'un autre ete

trees (israel reflection)

i saw two trees

floating in a sea of green

two sticks with leaves 

the liveliest i've ever seen

despite my stare 

they don't seem notice me

i would stay there

but my heart is prone to flee